The Collected Writings of Sardonicus

Thought this was pretty funny

Tips For a Northerner Moving South

1. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
5. People walk slower here.
6. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
12. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
13. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
14. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
15. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember that many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
16. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.